Mars

Hi, The point (if there is a point) of this blog is to post liner notes and playlists of mix CDs originating from moi and hopefully fanning out into a chain of mix CDs. If you get a CD from me, make me and a friend one, and email me some liner notes and I'll post them. Then your friend should make you and someone else a mix CD etc etc. Maybe it will work PS If you want to be on my knit list, let me know what you want and I'll see what I can do!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Vent

Most of the time I love my life and I am very happy. I have a great kid who I just adore the crap out of. But once in a while (and this is one of those days), I just feel completely overwhelmed by it all.

Imagine you're a person who loves to travel, who's fascinated with learning about other cultures, who likes evening classes and seminars and museums, who likes to go see music once in a while, and likes trying new things. Now imagine you are living with someone who just wants to be home all the time, and you can't leave them alone for any length of time. Or if you do it will cost you money or hassle. Imagine not going on a date for seven years because even if there is someone you might be interested in, the person you live with is so demanding and jealous it would take a saint to persevere, and you're not that great a prize. Besides, you look like hell because you are fat and wear second-hand clothes. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Imagine hearing about other people going on great vacations and weekends away, and you can't because it will cost you twice as much, and anyway, you have to shell out thousands for summer camp and braces and school clothes and shoes and food and....

Imagine making all your household decisions, from the trivial to the big. You write all the bills, cook, clean, mow the yard, decorate. You have to make holidays special. Imagine having to make huge life decisions with no-one to bounce them off; where will we live? where should my son go to school? how can I encourage him to be the best he can be without nagging?

Imagine that your last several large purchases have been for someone else, and that someone treats them as a right. You want them to have the best you can manage, but it never quite feels good enough.

Imagine you can never step off the hamster wheel. The everyday demands just keep coming, regardless of anything else going on in your life. And they are boring, repetitive demands; for money, for time, for food, for attention, for company. It feels like a prison, a prison of duty and obligation, and yes, love. But a prison nonetheless. And like a prison, there is some comfort in the routine if you don't really think about it too much. But once in a while you do, which is probably a mistake.

Imagine every time you turn around, the person making all the demands is always there. Ready to make the next one.

Imagine having basically given up any notion of your own separate life because to fight for it is too damn hard, on top of everything else you have to do.

And I know I should engineer my life so I get a break, and have babysitting, and switch off childcare and blah-de-blah-de-blah. But guess what? That takes additional work and effort and is one more fucking thing I have to do. And one more thing I am thus failing at.

Anyway, I apologize for venting. And tommorrow I will probably be back to my usual self. But today I have to complain and bitch.

7 Comments:

At 10:24 AM, Blogger minty said...

Oh Marianne, big hugs from me. I am not in exactly the same place as you are, but I understand and sympathize about much of it. Talking about it doesn't make it go away, but I think it's important to do sometimes, as you've done here.

I think we're due for another cheap afternoon date (requiring no childcare) very soon. Yes?

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Marianne said...

Thank you hun! We definitely should. Soon. You made me feel a lot better.

And I just bought some shoes online that I can ill afford, and that helped too, funnily enough.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger christa said...

shoes heal all! :-)

i'm sorry you're feeling puny -- you definitely have the right to feel that way, but you also deserve not to... because you're an amazing human being.

and that said, we don't see each other often enough. i'd love to cook you two dinner some night. you up for it?

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger mykull said...

honeypie, i'm sorry! this sounds like a LOT of pressure. you deserve to vent every once in awhile b/c you handle it all so beautifully and lovingly and are an A+ momma.

i'm always, always here for you if you want to sneak away, even for just a few minutes. or if you want to call. i can supply alcohol, too, if that would help.

love,

mykull

 
At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

feel for ya hun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


P.S
i'm the little angel who caused this story

I feel bad!! :(

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger Marianne said...

Thank you guys! I feel better having vented, and it's good to know you're there. I think the trick is to call someone BEFORE you get into the depths of despair, because it's hard to get out once you're there.

 
At 12:17 AM, Blogger Phil said...

Hey you -- I send you big hugs, and a voice of gratitude for your honest expression of part of your life.

 

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