Vent

Most of the time I love my life and I am very happy. I have a great kid who I just adore the crap out of. But once in a while (and this is one of those days), I just feel completely overwhelmed by it all.

Imagine you're a person who loves to travel, who's fascinated with learning about other cultures, who likes evening classes and seminars and museums, who likes to go see music once in a while, and likes trying new things. Now imagine you are living with someone who just wants to be home all the time, and you can't leave them alone for any length of time. Or if you do it will cost you money or hassle. Imagine not going on a date for seven years because even if there is someone you might be interested in, the person you live with is so demanding and jealous it would take a saint to persevere, and you're not that great a prize. Besides, you look like hell because you are fat and wear second-hand clothes. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Imagine hearing about other people going on great vacations and weekends away, and you can't because it will cost you twice as much, and anyway, you have to shell out thousands for summer camp and braces and school clothes and shoes and food and....

Imagine making all your household decisions, from the trivial to the big. You write all the bills, cook, clean, mow the yard, decorate. You have to make holidays special. Imagine having to make huge life decisions with no-one to bounce them off; where will we live? where should my son go to school? how can I encourage him to be the best he can be without nagging?

Imagine that your last several large purchases have been for someone else, and that someone treats them as a right. You want them to have the best you can manage, but it never quite feels good enough.

Imagine you can never step off the hamster wheel. The everyday demands just keep coming, regardless of anything else going on in your life. And they are boring, repetitive demands; for money, for time, for food, for attention, for company. It feels like a prison, a prison of duty and obligation, and yes, love. But a prison nonetheless. And like a prison, there is some comfort in the routine if you don't really think about it too much. But once in a while you do, which is probably a mistake.

Imagine every time you turn around, the person making all the demands is always there. Ready to make the next one.

Imagine having basically given up any notion of your own separate life because to fight for it is too damn hard, on top of everything else you have to do.

And I know I should engineer my life so I get a break, and have babysitting, and switch off childcare and blah-de-blah-de-blah. But guess what? That takes additional work and effort and is one more fucking thing I have to do. And one more thing I am thus failing at.

Anyway, I apologize for venting. And tommorrow I will probably be back to my usual self. But today I have to complain and bitch.